ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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