Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
