So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
