if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
