How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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