I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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