it's too hot outside to masturbate.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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