our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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