Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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