Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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