toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Randomize
