Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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