Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize