just come out here and I will go home with you...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
