I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
