I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
