my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
