She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
