all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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