Kiss
Puke
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He called his prostate his "boner button".
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
