im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
