im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
