did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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