My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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