you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
