i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
