They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
