our cab driver is having phone sex.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
