Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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