I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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