trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize