So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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