I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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