No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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