Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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