your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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