OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
