i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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