Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
How's work?
Spinning.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize