the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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