Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
