I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
