you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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