We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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