i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
