The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
