I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
