Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Randomize
