If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
