Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
