My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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