You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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