i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
