I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
