god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
