I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
