im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Randomize
