Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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