I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
