OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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