Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
They are going to name an STD after you.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
