dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
