My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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