she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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