Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
