I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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