He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
