five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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