that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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