Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
