I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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