i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
