my phone needs a breathalizer
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
