Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
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